On the up side of down...

So there has been much grief and much crying... But I think I am on the up side of down finally. I mean don't get me wrong by saying what I am about to say, but I don't think about it nearly as much as I used to. After only 2 weeks, I feel much better than I thought I would at this point. I know that time heals all things (with a lot of help from the good Lord!) but I didn't think I would be this okay this soon. I mean I miss my little Peanut every day and I don't think that will ever change, but it certainly has gotten easier. Now it's not like someone has shoved a knife through my heart. It's more like a tiny little ache. Just about everyday I hear a song that reminds me of what I have been through or that makes me think of my Peanut, but it doesn't usually make me cry like it did 2 weeks ago. Now I don't feel so great that I can see going to any baby showers in my near future, but it sure feels good not to cry every day. I don't know how women go through multiple miscarriages and still find the strength to keep trying! I think if I had one more I'd call it quits. But hopefully there will be a healthy, happy baby in our somewhat near future (and hopefully not one that weighs almost 10 lbs. Lol!). Only God knows what He has in store for us, but I pray that he will bless us with one more child. I just still feel like there is one more person missing in our family!

Good night Peanut! Mommy loves you! :)

A very Peanut Holiday! :)

So it's never easy this time of year to think about the things you've lost. This should be a happy time of year. Well, unfortunately, this year not only did I have to think about it, I had to live it! That is even worse. Every year on Christmas I think about my grandpa and how much different Christmas is without him at my grandma's, but it's a completely different feeling to lose that someone so close to Christmas. I'll never forget how I felt that week. I thought, "Christmas will never be the same this year. I'll never be able to enjoy it." But I have somehow managed to turn that all around. I have dove right into the shopping that I usually dread doing. I usually think of it as a chore instead of a task to do to put huge smiles on my kids' faces. This year I am going to be the one up at the crack of dawn waiting for them! I can't wait! I have finally learned the true meaning of Christmas! I could open one present this year and be perfectly happy. (Cuz let's face it! No one wants to not get anything!) LOL! I just want my kids to be tickled pink, which I know they will be.

Thank you Peanut for being my reminder that family is the most important thing! I hope you have a Merry Christmas this year with all the ones we miss this time of year! I love you SO much! AND tell Jesus Happy Birthday from us!

"Be stronger than you think you can..."

Well this week has gone WAY more smoothly than I dreamed it would. I kinda had the feeling that I would go back to work and people would want to talk and give me their sympathies and all of that and that each one of those would bring me to tears and that I would never be able to recover and make it thru those days. But that has not been the case at all. I have been to work and had conversations about my situation and was strong and had no tears, while I remembered that my little Peanut is in the correct place.

I will say this: After all this that I have gone and persevered through I have not let the loss of my little Peanut be in vain. I have found that unconsciously I have spent more one on one time with my kids, and more QUALITY time with my kids. I have thoroughly ENJOYED the time that I get to spend with my kids more than I used to. I had reached a point in my life where it was just a part of my life. Where it was nothing unordinary to be mommy. It was just a part of everyday life. Take the kids to school, go to work, pick up kids, come home, dinner, kids' bath, shower, rinse, repeat. I don't think that I have truly cherished be a mom this much since Lilly's surgery, IF I cherished it this much then. God has found a way to turn this horrible tragedy into a huge blessing in my life. Into a turning point. I pray that from this point in my life, I am never the mother that I was before this. I never want to be the mother that takes for granted that I have a child. Because there are tons of women out there who go through what I did that never ends up with a child in the end. There should be NO greater blessing in the world than being a mother besides being a Child of God!

Thank you God for my children and the blessing that they are in my life. They give my life more meaning and fulfillment than I ever knew that it could have. To have someone RUN to meet you at the door or cry because you left their bedside at night without sugars! Help me to NEVER forget how special they are and how much they mean to me! Amen!

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -James 1:2-4


This has been my favorite verse since Lilly Grace was in the NICU. It has brought me through many struggles and now has even more meaning in my heart! 


Love you Peanut!

God don't make mistakes!

Well I have finally come to some peace about losing my little peanut. After a lot of grieving and a lot of crying I have found that Peanut just had something wrong enough that s/he couldn't make it to me here on Earth. But Peanut WAS put in my life for a reason.

"There'll be dead ends and road blocks, Tough times and hard knocks
Seems like you're always wonderin why you're at the right place at the wrong time
Wheels movin but you feel stuck, like your life's spinnin in a big mud
When you're out there runnin around on a wild goose chase,
There's a reason to keep believin,
God don't make mistakes." -Jamie O'neal

My Peanut was not a mistake. This was a time in my life I was meant to endure to make me stronger. But Peanut is with God now and all of our loved ones who went before. Peanut, tell Grandpa Gene that we miss him and we love you both very much!

God don't make mistakes!

Is finally gaining some peace about losing my little peanut. I have done a lot of crying and a lot of grief, but I have found now that there is some reason that my little Peanut just wasn't healthy enough to make it thru to Earth. And while it still makes me a little sad, I'm happy to know Peanut will never have a day of suffering.

"There'll be dead ends and road blocks, Tough times and hard knocks
Seems like you're always wonderin why you're at the right place at the wrong time
Wheels movin but you feel stuck, like your life's spinnin in a big mud
When you're out there runnin around on a wild goose chase,
There's a reason to keep believin,
God don't make mistakes." -Jamie O'neal

There is no reason to doubt that God is in control or to think that Peanut is anywhere but with him and all of our loved ones who have gone before! Peanut, please tell Grandpa Gene hi for me and I love both of you very much!

Wings of angels

So today I am 5 days out. It doesn't really seem to be getting easier, maybe just a little more dull. Which really isn't always a good thing I guess. I have learned from being a hairstylist that it hurts a lot less to cut yourself with a sharp pair of shears than a dull one. So now I have this dull, sort of throbbing pain in the pit of my stomach. Its not one I ever expected to endure, but I am just continuing to hold on to the thought that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.... Hope that's true.

Anyways I heard this song on the radio that almost made me smile today.

From: http://www.musicbabylon.com

"Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe.

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me."

Now granted I don't know that my little Peanut was a she, but this song just made me feel as tho he was sing about me and to me. My Peanut is in heaven saying "I love you mommy! Don't worry about me! I'm having a BLAST up here! Can't wait to see you some day!" and Like I said... It came close to making me smile. 

As for the rest of my day... It pretty well sucked! Lance had to go back to work today and it was the first day that I have been without him and I came to find that he is most of what was keeping me so strong. He has been a source of strength for me this last week. Not to say he has kept me from crying, but just knowing that there was someone that lost as much as I had somehow seemed to help a lot. I honestly don't really know how I would have made it through without him! 

Anywho... I guess that is about enough rambling for one night. Good night everyone, and as always... I love you Peanut! 

One day at a time...

Actually I suppose the title of this should be one breath at a time... There is no easy way about losing a child, no matter how small. It takes lots of crying, lots of grieving, and lots that I haven't even gotten to yet I'm sure. I'm still in the crying stage. Now I know that lots of people who haven't had to deal with a thing such as this would say "Don't cry. Peanut is with the Lord." Yeah but when you lose a family member, even if they are a christian and you know they are in heaven, don't you cry? Don't you grieve? Now of course its probably 95% selfishness in just wanting them back here with you... But imagine loving someone like someone that you lost... Someone that you had the opportunity to spend many years with and make many memories with... Now imagine loving someone THAT much, but you never actually got to meet them. So, now, you not only want them here, but you want to get to meet them for the first time. This notion is so difficult to explain to someone who has never been pregnant (or had a spouse that was pregnant with your child). Its hard to understand how you can TRULY love someone SO much that you haven't actually even laid eyes on. But it's so easy. I loved my Peanut as much as I love my children that I still possess here on this Earth and have met and spent COUNTLESS hours with. I wish that there was some way to convey how much my Peanut means to me. But there isn't. I can't plaster pictures all over FB of all the fun times we had together. Of all the memories that we made together. I can only think of my sweet little baby and remember the 2 tiny pictures I have. Those brief 6 weeks are all I get of my Peanut in this life. But I rest in the knowledge that my little Peanut is up in heaven smiling down on me and resting in great company. Rest in Peace sweet Peanut. We will all see you and celebrate with you and the Angels one day. Love, Mommy.